Today I am going to reach for the hardest place - or rather, a vulnerable one.
I’m fortified by other students and scientists who talk about their mental health struggles openly. I’m inspired by their boldness - and see the important ways they help me overcome my own demons. I’m sharing bits of my story in hopes of adding to the ocean of help and changing cultural tides.
So this is my body, with all its imperfections and glowy bits and jigglies. Someday I’ll unpack the anxiety I have sharing a 👙 photo because of patriarchal bullsh*t and fear of not-being-taken-seriously - but today is for something else entirely.
Today is for acknowledging the dangers of perfectionism - and the pain it generates when it clashes with beauty culture and anxiety.
This is my body (mostly) happy. This is my body well-fed. Five years ago, my body was thin beyond recognition. I weighed myself (and my food) multiple times a day, counted every freaking calorie, and obsessed constantly about hunger, lack thereof, my body, my next meal. I weighed 70. pounds. less. than I weigh now. 7 - 0.
It’s hard to explain an eating disorder, and recovery, to those who have a healthy relationship with food and themselves. And I’m not aiming to do that today. I do, however, want to dispel the myth that eating disorders only effect those caught up in how they look.
My ED emerged when I lost the illusion of control; of my academic life, of my schedule, of my direction. It emerged as a powerful outlet for my otherwise inexhaustible anxiety. It emerged as a means to answer the self-hate-filled voice in my head. It resulted in exhaustion, loss of friendships and experiences and my body’s means to thermoregulate. It is and was heavy in so many other ways.
I rolled slowly out of it like a coming-back-to-life when I moved to a new place and new University and adopted a pup and fell back in love with the world and myself.
It is still hard some days. But my lesson to share (for me too) is this: this world needs you at your most whole - your most cared for. You cannot hate yourself into perfection or oblivion. Live your life. Nurture yourself. Use that good energy to help the rest.
