This weekend, I dove headlong into lilac bushes and thought about my relationship with my body. And I want to talk about it; bodies, culture, shame, lilacs, and love. I've seen a lot of concerned "quarantine weight gain" posts, and with summer sun and time outside has come folx beating themselves up for gaining weight and lamenting the "loss" of their summer bodies. Let's unpack some of it with a sprinkle of science.
Some of you know that I'm an eating disorder survivor. You know about the years I spent willfully starving, cold, and tiny. You know I found my way back to a mostly-kind relationship with my body, to loving friends and pizza and spontaneity. Our relationships with our bodies are fraught with harmful narratives that make the work of loving our bodies a battle. Did you know that, genetically speaking, your body has a comfortable/homeostatic body fat "set point"? Did you know that 30% of people considered "obese" are at no greater risk of developing heart disease/diabetes/etc. than those with "healthy" BMIs? In fact, the Body Mass Index (BMI) scale was developed for European men (I mean, who is surprised?) and doesn't account for gender-based weight differences/muscle mass. What's more, there is little evidence that "extra" fat on your body correlates with poor health if you are regularly exercising and eating a balanced diet.
This is not to say that fitness goals aren't worthy. It is to say that society is wrong about your body, and that multi-billion dollar industries train us early to hate ourselves into spending money, when nothing is wrong with our beautiful dazzling selves. Forget anyone who upholds fit bodies as a product of pure discipline and not as (partially) a role of the genetic dice, or who says skinny bodies need curves. F*ck the message that the "extra" on your waist - those vanity pounds that represent margaritas with friends and your burgeoning joy - are ugly or unworthy. No one can look at a body or your body and know about its health or habits. Forget what you've been told, be gentle with your fine selves, know that you were worthy then and worthy now and will be worthy, no matter what forever. Take up space.
Covid19 calls us to reimagine our relationship with nature. We must begin by making peace with our bodies.
Vulnerable Places; Transformations
Today I am going to reach for the hardest place - or rather, a vulnerable one.
I’m fortified by other students and scientists who talk about their mental health struggles openly. I’m inspired by their boldness - and see the important ways they help me overcome my own demons. I’m sharing bits of my story in hopes of adding to the ocean of help and changing cultural tides.
So this is my body, with all its imperfections and glowy bits and jigglies. Someday I’ll unpack the anxiety I have sharing a 👙 photo because of patriarchal bullsh*t and fear of not-being-taken-seriously - but today is for something else entirely.
Today is for acknowledging the dangers of perfectionism - and the pain it generates when it clashes with beauty culture and anxiety.
This is my body (mostly) happy. This is my body well-fed. Five years ago, my body was thin beyond recognition. I weighed myself (and my food) multiple times a day, counted every freaking calorie, and obsessed constantly about hunger, lack thereof, my body, my next meal. I weighed 70. pounds. less. than I weigh now. 7 - 0.
It’s hard to explain an eating disorder, and recovery, to those who have a healthy relationship with food and themselves. And I’m not aiming to do that today. I do, however, want to dispel the myth that eating disorders only effect those caught up in how they look.
My ED emerged when I lost the illusion of control; of my academic life, of my schedule, of my direction. It emerged as a powerful outlet for my otherwise inexhaustible anxiety. It emerged as a means to answer the self-hate-filled voice in my head. It resulted in exhaustion, loss of friendships and experiences and my body’s means to thermoregulate. It is and was heavy in so many other ways.
I rolled slowly out of it like a coming-back-to-life when I moved to a new place and new University and adopted a pup and fell back in love with the world and myself.
It is still hard some days. But my lesson to share (for me too) is this: this world needs you at your most whole - your most cared for. You cannot hate yourself into perfection or oblivion. Live your life. Nurture yourself. Use that good energy to help the rest.
On Self Care
Let’s talk about self care, the good, the bad, and the complexities.
We throw around words like “wellness” and “self care” a lot without fully qualifying them. As an academic and scientist and human-who-cares-too-much-about-too-many-things, I spend a lot of time navigating, learning, and re-learning how to care for my body and brain. Turns out, it’s not so simple.
It’s not simple because self-care doesn’t always look the same every day for me, and it certainly does not look the same for every human. Some days self care is a bath robe, a nap, a bubble bath with that killer bath bomb, a massage, and hell yes to a glass of wine. That’s the kind of self care we often promote (and share photos of) - and that kind of self care, that ability to spend time and money on our well-being - is really important.
But in reality, true self care also means that some days you sit down and get those nagging emails done, you re-organize that desk drawer, you don’t buy that new skin care line and save your money and your financial anxiety.
I have to remind myself often that I can’t buy self care. That taking care of myself is adaptive - and takes so much longer than a face mask (though there’s lots of room for those too).
Self care is showing up for yourself. Self care is recognizing your burnout, knowing that your worth is not dependent on or correlated to your productively. Self care allows us to bring the best of ourselves to this world. Make space for it. No matter what your hustle is.
For All those who Care, today:
For all those who care, today —
Amidst news of mourning Orca mothers, raging wildfires, and growing mumblings of “hot house” Earth, the burdens of empathy and crisis of caring can become so heavy as a Conservation Scientist – and as a human…
But – the world is still buzzing with impossible beauty. The salt of the ocean still beckons. Murrelets and gulls still dance under gold-flaked sunsets as they chase forage fish. Salmon dive under unsuspecting zodiacs, highlighted by bioluminescence that makes the whole ocean seem like, certainly, some magical mysterious kingdom. Little golden grizzly cubs munch mussels between peaceful sleeps.
There is still time. You still have agency and energy and passion.
There is so much left to be saved and loved and seen. Wake up. Go.
